Originally posted July 7, 2020
My worst fear for the longest part of my life was living and dying alone. I wanted a committed partner so badly that I found myself skipping through relationships that didn't work and eventually my failed marriage. I delayed filing for divorce partially because I was so scared to be alone. I was scared to be a single mom. But, even with my motherhood out of the equation, being by myself scared me. In reflection, this was because I had lost myself. I was alone with a stranger. There were remnants of who I was but it was like building a house from the ground up since only a flawed foundation was left. I went to therapy, read a ton, blogged, journaled, watched TEDtalks, etc.
If I could go back and tell myself anything during my time of initial healing and being alone, it's that I love myself. I am my constant. I am my best friend, advisor, partner, and advocate. I am not the sum of my mistakes but rather the sum of my limitless potential.
My current state of mind isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes the old thoughts creep up like cracks in the sidewalk that I have to skip over and keep moving forward. I am at peace with them because I know they are part of my past. I had to feel so deeply and hurt the way I did to understand that. I understand these thoughts may still come and go but I don't give them the power I used to. I don't want to lose the now in the past or the possible future.
Today, as I am writing this, it is the 25th anniversary of my Opa's (Grandfather's) passing. Next month it is the 2nd anniversary of my Oma's (Grandma's) passing. Historically, I've been a bit of a mess at this time. While I am at peace with being alone, I can't help but feel the sting of their departure and it is made more apparent how I ache for that type of relationship in my life. One of dedication and growth but also of one where I am able to maintain my identity as an individual, not have it swallowed up in the relationship and a partner's expectations of me. I believe in love & know this is possible. But I also know this is not something that is needed. It is simply a beautiful blessing if it happens.
Until then, I drink my coffee alone. I smile alone. I eat dinner alone. I sing in the shower alone. I am not lonely. And, if the day comes that I fall for someone, I will still sometimes be alone. I will still be an individual and we will stand as a team, not as a blending image, losing ourselves in the relationship only to get tangled up. That's not healthy.
If you're reading this and are looking for some self-love and work, here are a few resources that helped me:
xoxo,
Angela
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