I was they type of expecting mom that was ecstatic about breastfeeding. My family had all breastfed. I was sure it would come as naturally as it had with them. I was prepared to whip my baby feeders out in public and stare down anyone that dared to challenge me feeding my child the most natural way. Then, my water broke early. Then, I was induced and had a grueling 36 hour labor. Then, I had a preemie with low blood sugar that was desperately trying to latch. I started triple feeding right away. He was able to latch but had such a weak suckle. I was barely producing anything more than half a little teardrop of colostrum but was told my milk would come in. My milk never fully came in though. I still had to triple feed and I never was engorged or anything. I never pumped more than an ounce a session and that was only at 4am when I was clinging to the little sleep I got. I was a slave to my pump and I just walked around with a robe, desperately trying to feed my son every chance I got. As he grew, he ate more and more formula. I was essentially a human pacifier used not for nourishment, but for comfort. I accepted my role while still triple feeding until 3 months. I threw in the towel when I wouldn't stop crying while pumping and in the shower. I felt broken. My son needed me and I couldn't be the loving mom I knew I could be when I thought my worth was tied to my success at breastfeeding.
My son wanted me. He wanted me to hold him, to do tummy time, to walk and explore the world without being tied to a pump. I spent over 400 dollars on everything and anything, including a prescription from Canada that is not approved in the USA. I saw a lactation consultant multiple times. I joined support groups. I saw a therapist.
Slowly, I accepted that loving my child is best and that love is not tied to breast milk. Formula is a life saver, literally. It isn't evil. Sure, breast milk is amazing but it isn't the end all. Formula saved my baby from low blood sugar. He is smart and knows how to run at 1 year. He puts the caps on his own bottles and says a variety of words. I am ok now but I still get sad when I see breastfeeding moms or stockpiles of milk. I wanted to be that mom so bad. There is a flip side though. Some women get clogged ducts and more. They're in pain from being so engorged.
Point is, if it works out then it is great. If it doesn't, you are not a failure. I believe the statistics on why women actually stop breastfeeding are not accurate because a lot of women are ashamed of their decision to stop trying. Then there are fierce women who just choose to formula feed from the start and take no BS.
There is no wrong way to feed your baby. If breastfeeding is the best for you, go for it. If you have a story like me, it's ok and you are STILL a great mom. And, if you formula fed exclusively then good for you too. Our kids are thriving and they all end up eating dirt or sand anyways.
Point is, do your best mama. Motherhood blows all expectations out of the water. Feeding your baby or even disciplining your child can change. Even sleeping arrangements. I still co sleep with my one year old and am unapologetic about it.
Be a bad ass. Parent without apology but also be empathetic to other moms and their struggles. Take care of yourself.
Everyone's journey is different. Breastfeeding journeys are different. Embrace the many paths and the unpredictability. Know you are doing all you can but don't sacrifice your health.
Don't cry over spilled milk. Period.
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