I thought I'd start off this blog entry with one of my favorite poems by my favorite poet, Sylvia Plath. This is a personal post and, quite frankly, it is a long time coming. I'm not sure who will even stumble upon my little blog and read these words that will be raw with emotion. Just understand that writing is the greatest form of therapy for me and I want to share this experience because silence helps no one. Well, here we go...
I am now a single mom. Writing these words feels like I am opening up the wound of my divorce once more. But, in order to heal I need to clean the wound even if it stings. I need to be honest with myself. I made up this idea of my marriage in my head and it caused me to avoid red flags. It made me lose myself in the attempt to keep my family together when I was losing my happiness and sanity. My ex may find this blog but I truly hope she does. I have the courage to write and the right to do so.
I bent over backwards to try and make my marriage work. I literally begged and pleaded with tears in my eyes until I had no more tears. Until I couldn't function and my home was not a home anymore. I thought that someone could change only if I loved them hard enough and made them see how beautiful our family was, how special our son is.
I could list specific events but it really wouldn't do me any good; I don't want to ruminate on the past. The point is that it wasn't a decision I made overnight. It was something that I had to build up the courage to just pull the trigger and file for divorce. I filed two months after we separated because I had to build up the strength to just do it. I was struggling with letting go of that perfect family picture I've made up. I went through the motions but then would just cry myself to sleep. My son was what kept me going but I couldn't help but feel guilt and shame. Divorce was something I never thought I'd have to go through. I watched my parents divorce and it was one of the worst experiences of my life and theirs.
There is no guilt and shame for leaving a toxic relationship.
(repeat 10x)
There's actually a hell of a lot of strength. I'm not going to lie, I am still getting back on my feet financially and mentally. Physically, I am learning to not emotionally eat. I am also learning to stick to a budget and shopping does not equal happiness. I am staying mindful and focusing on what matters. Most of all, I am taking it a day at a time. I am going to therapy and am taking evening therapy classes regarding healthy relationships and boundaries.
Our son is almost a year old. He lives with me full-time but she does get visitation. The divorce has not been finalized yet since there is so much involved with it. I have been unplugging from Instagram and this blog for a while. I'll slowly get back to my goals. I am going to start with waking up each morning and hugging Ezra, whispering "I am so grateful you chose me as your mama."
He is the silver lining. He is who I keep in mind when I close my eyes so my world stays anchored. I am #singlemomstrong and am proud.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. My soul feels so full from just putting this all down into words. This is a beginning, not an end.
xoxo,
Lala
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